A major clampdown on elephant/mahout activity in Bangkok has just been announced.  You could now be fined upto £200 for feeding an elephant.

That said, as sorry as you feel for the mahouts, it is commonsense not to support this activity anyway.

Elephants are emphatically not cuddly things out of Jungle Book.  Generally they are rather cantankerous and unpredictable. They become more moody, less predictable in inappropriate environments.

Traffic-filled, highly urbanised, Bangkok is certainly an inapproriate environment.  The elephants become unhealthy, particularly suffering respiratory diseases.  Sudden death is not unknown.

There has been a major incident in Bangkok, when an elephant ran amok.  Presumably smaller incidents are everyday occurrences.

If you want to help elephants and mahouts supporting elephant conservation and repatriation charities is the answer.  Also support elephant-focused tourism projects.

These projects are seen as the great hope in Government circles.  The elephants can’t stay in urban environments.  Their place, and that of their mahouts, in the logging industry is not going to come back.  The mahouts have to have an income.

All this said, I’ve been fairly uncomfortable with the touristic uses of elephants.  That, though, is not to say that elephant centres can’t be fun, with particularly good reports on the centre at Lampang.  People seem to love being a mahout for the day!

Mark Azavedo

Picture Copyright and by kind permission of Tourism Authority of Thailand.

A couple of weeks back I was railing about the lack of spatial understanding of Bangkok displayed by several of the major guidebooks.  The upshot of that, to my mind, is some rather weird recommendations as to where you should stay, places not necessarily well-placed to use either BTS or MRT rail systems.

That got me to thinking about relevant alternatives; and the canal ferry services came to mind.  Sure enough, although these are usually used by Bangkok commuters, they did rather hit the button for getting you around particularly the Klong Toey administrative area of the City.

Using the canal ferries also gives an additional dimension to your holiday, including that it is another way to meet ordinary Thais going about their everyday business:

Notes on Boat Service in Saen Saeb Canal
Piers: 27 Piers
Tickets: 5-15 baht by distance

1) Phan Fah Leelart (terminal, a bridge to Bangkok City Center)
2) Bo Bae (Garment market – second only Pratoo Nam and Pahurat [Bangkok Little India])
3) Wat Phraya Yang – (a temple near Yotse)
4) Saphan Charoen Phon (to Charoen Phon neighborhood)
5) Ban Krua (a Muslim community – the backbone of Jim Thomson’s silk business)
6) Saphan Hua Chang (with connection to National Stadium Skytrain Station)
7) Pratoonam (major BKK Garment Market, not far from Panthip and WTC, an interchange for Saensaeb Boat, used to have a water gate in the time of King Mongkut to feed the Royal lotus pond (the root of Pathumwan District), hence got the namesake from that thing)
8)Saphan Chidlom – near Central Chidlom, Siam City Bank HQ, Siam Commercial Bank (Phetburi Office)
9) Saphan Witthayu – near Vanich Building, in Wireless Road
10) Nana Nua – near Bumrungrat Hospital
11) International School – near Rueanruedee International School
12. Saphan Asok – near Japanese Embassy and Phetburi Station of Subway
13) Prasarn Mitr – in Sri Nakahrintharawiroj University (Prasarn Mitr Campus)
14) Watmai Chonglok – in New Phetburi Road
15) Phrom pak – a lane to Phrom Phong Station of Skytrain, and not far from  Thai-Italian Pier can be a substitute
16) Thon Lor – a road to Thong Lor Station – not far from RCA
17) Charn Issara – Charn Issara 2 Building
18) Saphn Klong Tan – near Klong Tan Intersection – used to be an interchange for Lad Phrao boat until 2000 (the year Boat service in Krung Kasem city moat and Lad Phrao canal went out of business)
19) The Mall 3 – (ram Khamhaeng Branch) near New Rama 9 intersection
20) Ram Khamhaeng 29 – near the defunct Welco
21) Wat Thep Leela – the main road from Ram Khamhaeng to Thai Cultural Centre
22) Ramkhamhaeng University – the biggest open university in Thailand
23) Saphan Mit Mahardthai – near Huamark Stadium – and can connect to Lad Phrao Road
24) Wat Klang
25) The Mall – the shopping center rival to Central (the main branch in Bang Kapi)
26) Bang Kapi – near bang Kapi district office, and Bang Kapi Market
27) Wat Sri Boonruean – terminal near NIDA

Mark Azavedo

http://www.2bangkok.com/ferries.shtml

Mari is in Bangkok at the moment; and e-mailed me about new tram services in the City:

Chinatown

There is a new free Chinatown Sightseeing Tram starting at Soi Porisapa by Hualamphong Railway Station, where you collect your ticket from the booth.

You can stay on for the tour or get on and off with stops at Thianfa Foundation (Thianfa Foundation, Siang Gong Shrine, Wat Yuan Taladnoi), Old Market (Old Market, Bumpenchinprot Temple), Mangkorn Kamalawat Temple ( Wat Leng Noei Yi, Kanmatuyaram Temple, Leng Buai Yia Market), Kwong Siew Hospital (Guang Dong Shrine, Kanikaphol Temple, Da Feng Zu Shrine, Piangnarm Road), Traimit Temple-Ocean Circle (Wat Samchin, Yaowarat Road).

The Tram operates 11am-11pm weekends, with typically Thai confusion as to whether it also operates 5pm-11pm weekdays.

Rattanakosin Island

Information around the Rattanakosin tour tram is even less clear. It operates 10am-8pm, with tickets available from Democracy Monument and Sanam Luang (30 Baht). Tours, with multi-lingual commentary leave every 30 minutes from near the Grand Palace front gates.

The Tram loops around all the major attractions of the Island which is the Old Bangkok of the Bangkok Period. You cover such sights as the Grand Palace, San Luk Meung, The National Museum, National Gallery, Jurapong Mosque. and Pak Talong Flower Market.

To Hua Hin and Cha-Am

The new Southern Bus terminal is very far out of central Bangkok. This has led to new informal minibus services from Democracy Monument. There is huge confusion over this, but I’ve found the services fast and cheap.

The downside is very little information.  I’ve been told by a travel agent friend that they leave every half hour, or sooner when a bus is full.  There are no published timetables, so we don’t know when precisely the first and last buses depart.

Fare is 180Baht. They reserve the right to also charge for luggage, but I’ve never actually been asked to pay.

Departure is from an alleyway at the side of Century Mall/Plaza. All companies proved reliable. I remember one called 333.

Return from Hua Hin is from opposite the Esso petrol station.

Mark Azavedo

Wine lore has it that wines can only be produced either 30-50 Degrees North or South of the equator. Thailand, along with Brazil, India and Indonesia, is disproving that.

In the Thai case, as so much development, the starting point was a Royal Project, under the patronage of H.M.King Bhumibol, this in conjunction with Kasetsart University.

The first commercial planting of vines was at Chateau de Loei, in the Phurua Highlands, in 1991. The wines are produced under the guidance of Australian and French oenologists, with a Shiraz varietal the estate’s flagship wine.

Khao Yai, only two hours out of Bangkok, has the greatest intensity of vineyards, Chateau des Brumes Village Farm and Winery, PB Valley Winery and Granmonte Estate. You can visit on a day trip, but the National Park is worth a couple of days stopover.

Chateau des Brumes is an 80 acre property, specialising in French-style wines. They are made under the tutelage of Jacques Bacou, a French winemaker.

PB Valley, Khao Yai’s oldest winery, is an 800 acre estate planted to Shiraz, Tempranillo and Colombard. Since 2002, PB Valley Wines, made with the assistance of German Wolfgang W Schaefer, have been served by Thai Airways.

This estate is a particular favourite of mine for its extensive leisure facilities, as well as the wine. There is a large restaurant, with fabulous views, under the management of the lovely Nana, as well as produce and souvenir shop, together with simple, but attractive, on-estate accommodation.

Granmonte is PB’s neighbour. The property is set in 40 acres planted to Shiraz and Chenin Blanc, but also table grapes. Unusually, given the predominance of reds in the Thai offering, a favourite from Granmonte is the Sakuna Rose.

Winemaking at Granmonte is under the direction of Nikki Lohitnavy, Thailand’s first Thai female winemaker. Nikki (Visootha) is a graduate of University of Adelaide.

Granmonte is another winery with good leisure facilities by way of the Montino shop and VinCotto restaurant. The restaurant runs under the watchful eye of Sakuna Lohitnavy, Nikki’s mother.

Probably Thailand’s most ambitious and well-funded winery, coming out of the Red Bull fortune,is Siam Winery. The winery also, perhaps, boasts Thailand’s most known vineyard, the so-called floating vineyard at Samut Sakorn on the Chao Phraya delta, only 60km from Bangkok.

This vineyard harvests local grape varieties White Malaga and Red Pok Dum. The vines are planted on islands, separated by canals, Grapes are taken to the winery by boat.

Siam Winery’s main seller is Monsoon Valley. The grapes for this wine are now grown exclusively at Hua Hin Hills Vineyard. Again, Siam Winery has a talented overseas oenologist, Kathrin Puff, from Germany.

A visit to Hua Hin Hills Vineyard is a must for anyone staying in Hua Hin. You can stay in the hills area, but you will find yourself continually commuting into Hua Hin. The opposite commute makes more sense; and can be arranged at Hua Hin Hills Wine Cellar at Hua Hin Market Village at B200 for the round trip.

Hua Hin Hills is planted to Colombard, Chenin Blanc, Muscat, Shiraz, Tempranillo and table grapes. The Sala Wine Bar and Bistro has fantastic views out over the vineyard and great food at sensible prices (my lunch is in the picture).

The vineyard also has a nice shop. I did, though, balk at the elephant-back tour of the vineyard (though it was an elephant corral). That got me pondering the arguments that have raged in the Napa Valley, California over the balance of agriculture and leisure facilities.

Something that particularly excited me at Hua Hin Hills was the soil samples, loamy and slate. These are good vine soils; and particularly the slate must add character. This said, it must never be forgotten that these early successes for the Thai wine industry have been based very much from Thai pragmatism in welcoming overseas oenologists and technological innovation, particularly around irrigation and fruiting control.

My main worry for this embryonic industry is that the 200% excise duty will preclude a substantial bedrock demand for Thai wines in the home market.

Please contact us at marktimetravel@yahoo.co.uk for vineyard accommodation, accommodation in vineyard areas, wine and other Thai agritourism itineraries.

Mark Azavedo

Since 2008, George Town, Penang has been a World Heritage Site, along with Melaka, both port cities of the Straits of Malacca.  This dual award was the first for Malaysia; and contains a large part of both cities.

Penang’s citation speaks of two aspects.  The built environment is fabulously rich in colonial architecture, specifically British colonial architecture of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.  The old town is a wonderful tapestry of different cultures, living happily side-by-side, constantly adapting, accommodating and influencing one another.  The mix has variously been Asian and European, with the Asian part of that being Chinese, Indian and Malay.  There has been genuine cultural exchange, arising, initially, out of maritime trade.

I spoke lengthily to a taxi driver who was fearfully proud to be Malaysian, fearfully proud of Malaysia’s achievements.  He was equally proud of his Indian, and specifically South Indian background.  He was unimaginably proud that the different ethnicities get along so well (implying that there was a model for other countries) and speak each other’s tongues.  He regarded Malaysia’s state educational system as a key achievement in this.

Little India is certainly a key area in Penang, if only as a place to take lunch!  It is a melange of street hawkers, small restaurants, Indian jewellery and music shops.  It has a different feel to most Little Indias and certainly a different taste, as the migrants here were mostly South Indian.

I was able to indulge my South Indian vegetarian tastes.  Firstly , I ate at a restaurant, a tasty meal for just over £1.  In fact, the idly were so good that, now in the mood, I indulged in more from a street hawker at 10p each.  Heaven!

Whereas Little India is always vibrant, busy, Chinatown is often rundown.  Specifically, it is very sad to see the rundown state of many of the shophouses.  This was commented upon by UNESCO as an area of concern.

Should you want to see the opposite, good conservation practice, not a hint of over-restoration, visit Cheong Fatt Tze Mansion.  In 2000, the Mansion won UNESCO’s Asia-Pacific Heritage Award for Conservation.

Cheong Fatt Tze was a highly successful Chinese trading entrepreneur who came to Penang in 1890, completing the construction of his opulent mansion in 1904.  The mansion is both lavish and well-considered.  The ambience just can’t be described.

There are two public tours of the premises daily.  But, better still, why not stay there?  Don’t expect corporate slick – the service can be quiet variable.  But staying in this wonderful building, amidst its lived-in antiques, is simply something unrivalled.

You must stay here at least a night or two.  By local standards, prices are quite high, but this will be among your lifetime’s best expenditures, even given heavy noise intrusion from the entertainment at the night restaurants next door.

I include an image of my room, Towkay.  Given very lengthy pre-warning, we can sometimes book rooms in Cheong Fatt Tze.  There are only 12 letting rooms; and the place is immensely popular.  Contact marktimetravel@yahoo.co.uk

At the other end of the scale, backpacker cheap, there are numerous hotels along Love Lane.  As the name implies, this was George Town’s red-light district; and these the by-the-hour joints.  Now my memories are of relaxed backpackers happily taking a coffee and fruits for breakfast in the sun.

To step-up the tempo somewhat – but Penang is never going to be Bangkok – go to Upper Penang Road in the evening.  This is George Town’s charming nightlife district. 

Finally, some words on navigating George Town.  The city is small.  You will be able to cover everything in the historic centre on foot.  Penang Heritage Trust, a hugely knowledgeable and important lobbying organisation, produce the best maps; and these are available free.  Additionally, the Trust has established a number of heritage trails, again with free guides.

Mark Azavedo

I guess Bangkok has the reputation for making you feel different about yourself through the surgical option. I found something cheaper than Bangkok’s bargain basement surgery rates. Something I could afford. Something I was more inclined to. Something equally effective. Bangkok tailoring.

That said, not any old Bangkok tailor, but Jesse and Victor Gulati, the father and son team of Rajawongse at 130 Sukhumvit, by the Landmark Hotel. Assuredly not tailors to the tourist trade. More tailors to the diplomatic community.

Jesse and Victor work very closely with the US Embassy, dressing ambassadors down to marine guards.

These have recommended the Gulati’s tailoring to visiting politicians, though the recommendation to George W Bush was from Dad, George Bush. Other famous names from the USA political community that have been dressed by Jesse and Victor include Sen.John Kerry, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge and Nancy Reagan.

For Nancy Reagan they also produced a fabric backdrop for a television appearance that matched her dress and earrings.

She must have been one mightily persuasive lady. I don’t see Jesse and Victor often deviating from their brief of classic quality tailoring. They precisely give off an air of doing what they do best, doing it to perfection and in an atmosphere of measured calm (quite something in the freneticism of Sukhumvit).

Tailoring is a very serious issue at Rajawongse, though Jesse and Victor are happy to laugh and joke about other issues, discuss their travels, give recommendations. At all times you are addressed by your first name; and that is remembered.

When it is time for a measurement or fitting, a hush descends. The attentiveness made me feel good, the results even better. I literally felt different about myself. Silly really, as I hadn’t changed. Presumably the underlying thought was I can’t be so odd that I can’t be accommodated!

I had shirts made. For my big collar size, the arms are always too long. The body billows, unless I buy slimfit – then it’s too tight!

With Jesse and Victor I received perfection, and in the finest Egyptian cotton. Victor allowed himself a moment of wry humour at the fitting: “It could have been made for you, Mark”.

And the cost of perfection, of feeling good about myself, 1000Baht (approximately £18). A lot cheaper than surgery, even at Bangkok rates!

Mark Azavedo

http://dress-for-success.com/

Having spent the umpteenth hour of my life browsing in the food hall of Central Department Store, Chidlom, I decided it time to announce it as a tourist destination in its own right. The place is truly fantastic, an oriental Harrods food hall; and you can have an extraordinary self-service lunch there, very cheaply, too.

Alternatively, around the nearby Ploenchit/Wyatthu intersection, down Wyatthu and between Ploenchit and Chidlom there are many very good stalls for lunchtime street food. This is an office workers area.

Why not take your spoils to nearby Lumphini Park for a picnic lunch. Lumphini is one of the world’s great urban parks. Walk through to Silom , including walking on to Surawongse. These streets and the Sois between them are a major shopping area. You’ll also find the infamous Patpong here (boy do I hate that market – go to the real thing at Chatuchak at the weekend BTS Skytrain Sukhumvit Line Mo Chit). You can walk on down to the river.

A quick cut down to the river is by taking BTS Skytrain down to Saphan Taksin. If you are flush you’re hopefully staying at the (Mandarin) Oriental or the Peninsula. If not, it’s still a lovely area with OP Place my favourite place for a coffee and antiques browse. If you get off two stops before Saphan Taksin at Surasak, the Blue Elephant Restaurant and Cooking School is right there.

At the opposite extreme to all this loveliness, for a huge Tesco, available without a car, take BTS Skytrain Sukhumvit Line to On Nut. Why go to Tesco on your holiday? Well, truth is that it’s often massively cheaper than elsewhere. Also, you don’t have to haggle prices.

I know what prices should be but, frankly, can’t be bothered to haggle down to the minimum. I just go for a token first round to not look too stupid. It’s not that Thais are great at haggling either, it’s just that they can handle the heat. You’ll find being cool well worth the lack of negotiating effort.

If you use On Nut Tesco, there is a night market there too.

If my references to street food are not to your liking a very cheap restaurant, where you can eat for around £1 is Santa’s in MBK Centre BTS Skytrain National Stadium. Another cheap place I found recently, where the food is very good, worthy of dinner, is C Cup on Sukhumvit Soi 8. 

A suggestion for the Bangrak area (Silom, Surawongse, etc) is the basement of the Bangkok Gem and Jewellery Tower, 322 Surawongse (or Surawong) Road, again an extremely cheap place for all the local office workers, but not way off the tourist track.

In all this super-cheapness, don’t forget the sheer value of the lunchtime specials at the (Mandarin) Oriental.

Finally, in all this discussion of food and drink, a plea. I’ve noticed an increasing number of foreigners eating and drinking on BTS Skytrain. This is banned. Thais obey the ban, regarded rather quizzically at first. It is disrespectful to do differently. The superb condition of Skytrain 10 years on is testimony to the value of such rules.

PS: Suan Lum, Bangkok Night Market/Bazaar is still there, contrary to some reports. It is next to Lumphini MRT; and is, in fact, expanding.

Mark Azavedo

Thailand Beach Resorts
Pattaya and Hua Hin, one either side, just over 2 hours from Bangkok

Pattaya and Hua Hin are the two top resorts in Thailand, but their attractions differ. Hua Hin appeals to a more sophisticated clientele, Pattaya draws the fun-seeker.

Thai Royal Family and High Society in Hua Hin.

Just off Hua Hin lie two gunships. Are we at war? Has ex-prime minister Taksim Shinawatra finally mounted the counter coup? Should we pack our bags and decamp? No, the King and Queen of Thailand are in residence and the naval vessels are just the outward display of their presence in the beachside Royal Palace at Hua Hin.

The fact that the Thai royals plus the elite of Bangkok society, the so-called “hiso”, choose to holiday here has transformed this former fishing village into a smart beach resort.

Despite the loss of most of its traditional wooden housing, and the fact that the squid hung stands along the beach have been replaced by guesthouses, Hua Hin still manages to retain much of its Thai charm.

Hua Hin, Spa Capital of Thailand

Nowadays it is known as the Spa capital of Thailand, each Spa taking their cue from the world famous Chiva Som Spa which was the first to offer holistic treatments in the area and offering a wide range of holistic activities including massages, exercise regimens, facials and body polishing, as well as medical programmes and stress management. One of the best is the Deverana Spa in the Dusit Thani Hotel, Hua Hin.

Golf and Elephant Trekking in Hua Hin, Thailand

There are those who claim that playing golf on one of the six international style golf course around the town is stress management enough, and others who will recommend a day spent elephant trekking with the gentle giants who once worked in the jungles of northern Thailand.

Dining in Hua Hin, Thailand

Off Naresdamri Road are many narrow sois lined with cafés, restaurants, bars, tailor shops and guesthouses. The multilingual menus displayed testify to the international clientele now attracted to the town. The “catch of the day” is available at all restaurants and at the night market on Dechanuchit Road where tiger prawns, crab, crayfish and pancakes can be sampled. This can be followed by home made ice-cream served from an old-fashioned freezer on wheels, ice-cream which, it is said, is delivered to the Palace once a week as it is a favourite with the royal family.

Pattaya, Thailand, night-life and other diversions.

Across the Gulf of Thailand lies the brasher Pattaya whose risqué diversions attract quite a different clientele. The neon-lit nightlife for which it is famous has totally transformed what was once a fishing village as quiet as Hua Hin until it became an R. & R. resort for Americans during the Vietnam War. Nowadays, South Pattaya is full of bars, beer gardens, pubs, discos and transvetite cabarets, many of which have earned the town a reputation for sleaze.

Dining in Pattaya and other entertainment

But sleaze is only one side of Pattaya. The other side is a range of excellent restaurants offering some of the best food in Thailand and PADI licenced Dive operators offering the best water-sports facilities in the country. However, the main beach is noisy and crowded and the vendors who patrol the narrow stretch of sands can be persistent. The few who come here in search of a bit of peace and tranquillity usually head for nearby Jomtien Beach.

Hua Hin or Pattaya – Thailand offers a choice.

Hua Hin is short on malls and top class shopping in shopping plazas as befits a quiet, tranquil resort but numerous side trips can be made to scenic areas and historical palaces. Pattaya offers parasailing, windsurfing, diving, offshore islands, an orchid farm, several theme parks, golf, tennis and archery.

To sum up, Hua Hin attracts an older, polyglot group of people whose main thought is to relax while still having fun, whereas Pattaya attracts a group who want to play hard and who eschew relaxation in favour of fast living.

This article is reproduced by kind permission of Mari Nicholson, its writer. Mari is a well-known travel writer, who specialises in Thailand.

We say that when in Hua Hin you must visit Hua Hin Hills Vineyard, especially on a jazz day.

I’m in the pristine grounds of Nai Lert Park Hotel, close to the embassies of Wireless Road, miles from Patpong or Nana or any other of Bangkok’s fleshpots.

Note, those places are replete with stories of bar girls waving phalluses around in club doorways before the start of business to bring good fortune, a successful session.

Here it is Sunday afternoon. The gardens are quite famed botanical gardens. Young students take notes. Families photograph each other. A group of nuns take a constitutional amid the beautiful orchids. Scantily clad bathers laze by and in the pool. All a rather bizarre combination.

But nothing prepares you for the strange sight tucked behind the service entrance to the hotel, and next to a car park.

Here is something like a mushroom field of phalluses or lingams, spreading out under the branches of a ficus tree. There are lingams of all sizes, some upto several feet in length. Some are made of wood, some stone. In their midst is the Mae Tuptim Shrine, signified by a spirit house about which are offerings of fresh food and drink, all presided over by a plastic model or two of a Thai traditional dancer.

I’ve never seen anybody at the shrine, but certainly the offerings always appear to be newly placed. It is suggested that particularly women come here to pray for pregnancy.

For me being surrounded by phalluses is its own peculiar hell, for reasons I’m largely at a loss to explain. My only guess is that I’m offended by the redness of all about me.

Certainly, that the phalluses are mostly red has been a talking point. Thereagain, their presence at all has been a talking point, as has the whole question of who Mae Tuptim was. There’s also the matter of the relationship between Mae Tuptim and the phalluses.

Less of a question is how the Mae Tuptim Shrine came into being. It was likely built by Nai Lert as protection for his new hotel. Certainly there is a large concentration of shrines in another area of Bangkok, Rajaprasong, built by shop and hotel owners to protect their enterprises and bring well-being. These include Bangkok’s most famous shrine, the Erawan Shrine, associated with the hotel of the same name.

The peculiarity of all these shrines, in a Buddhist land, is that they are shrines to Hindu deities. Thereagain, animist elements are also in the mix for good measure.

Mae Tuptim shrine, or worship at it, embodies a similar multiplicity of strands. That said, of course, motives come down to the individual worshipper. In the face of dozen upon dozen lingams about the shrine, the obvious thought, “fertility”, may well be the truth for most worshippers.

There is a simple folklorist story supporting this that a woman came to the shrine wishing to become pregnant. She prayed and her wish was granted. To celebrate the birth of her child she returned to the shrine with an offering of a lingam. As they say, “the rest is history”, as others emulated her.

Equally, still keeping things simple, it isn’t such a jump from the idea of fertility to general good fortune.

The trouble is that for the Mae Tuptim shrine lingams and association with fertility may equally come out of Thai animist traditions.

The belief here is in spirits. These spirits may be appeased to create good. More specifically procedures are available through which the spirits will do your bidding.

The bright red of most lingams at Mae Tuptim Shrine has alternately been associated with pomegranate juice or menstrual blood.

The association with pomegranate juice sees Tuptim as a corruption of Taptim, Thai for pomegranate. The relationship with menstrual blood relies upon the Tantric belief that the most powerful time for sexual intercourse is during menstruation.

There is plenty of room for thought here, including what of the prominent virginal white lingam?

Whatever, remember that, having taxed your brain and camera, maybe improved your fertility or fortune, there is the beautiful orchid collection to see. Also, the Mai Lert Park does the meanest fruit juice cocktail!

Mark Azavedo

It’s late evening. The storms had caused plane delays. I’ve one Saigon address – reputedly the one affordable Saigon address. They’re full.

But I’ve one ace card as well, and I play it. “Ah, Mr Derek’s friend”. Miss Joan rolls her eyes from side to side and sucks in her cheeks in a great display of thought.

My room is a vast apartment, but I don’t enjoy it for long. Knock, Knock. “Miss Joan say you need eat”. I follow obediently downstairs – not quite sure what to expect.

I’m ushered onto a moped parked in reception. And so it was that my first sights of this traffic-packed, moped-ruled city were from the back of a moped in the middle of the night.

Our problem was that we were running across the the flow in Saigon’s unlit, rutted streets. Mr Derek was not my best friend for those few minutes. Any physiotherapist – or maybe psychotherapist – would have been.

Old friendships renewed, though, when I crossed the same roads on foot – friendship with Mr Derek, friendship with God. Though round here there seemed little difference.

Meantime, I enjoyed my meal in the recommended restaurant – My Mouse. Yes, it is not an auspicious name. All the expected thoughts ran through my head. “Are they proud they only have one?”

Ultimately, I settled on a comforting thought. Throughout South-East Asia people love cartoon characters – particularly cuddly, furry, rodenty ones. For sure this was just a mis-translation of Mighty Mouse. An appropriate logo was in preparation, and its sister restaurant, Rollin Rat, was just around the corner.

Several days passed without intervention from Mr Derek. So I spent them doing the things you do in Saigon – not much. Take in the markets, take in China Town, chat with the old cyclo boys, gawp at the Floating Hotel brought from the Barrier Reef.

Then Madam Lai arrived. “A friend of Mr Derek. You will come with me to Vung Tau”

I had the feeling nobody had ever argued with this woman – particularly her ex-husband. He just left. I did too – but with her.

Which is how I met Miss Lai. You see, Miss Lai is Madam Lai’s younger, unmarried, sister. The one inside the vast party dress – from which I gather, we’re supposed to party.

But, then again, I didn’t want to party tonight – probably because I’m tired from travelling. We could spend a day on the beach together tomorrow. Or, we could go for a country walk. Or, take a ride around the sights. Or, take a walk around town. Or ……..

I dislike so many things. She said I was boring. I agreed I am boring, ever so boring. But there she was at 9am the next morning, moped ready to rev.

She was certainly taking hospitality to Mr Derek’s friend to extremes. Just as her sister had when she insisted on coming with me in the taxi to Vung Tau. Or when her other sister had finally found me that room upon my arrival.

I leave Vung Tau alone. I’m unable to confirm whether ear lobes really are such a big deal with Vietnamese. Or whether mine really are such a deal in the lexicon of ear lobes.

In Hanoi, Mrs Wen introduces me to Mr Jim, an Oz Cathay pilot. He’s in a happy mood today. It’s his first day with a room. He’s been sleeping rough in reception for a few days.

Jim and I hang out. In particular, we hang out in the piano bar, which is where he and Derek hang out. But, then again, everyone hangs out there. It’s the place for good conversation – and piano.

Mr Wen keeps up a constant barrage of politically incorrect jokes about boat people. The US Missing in Action Team tell us all about their work and travels – often difficult in Laos, never so in Vietnam. But ultimately, they get drunk.

In the meantime, girls from the university play amazing piano. And the young bar girls stare. Occasionally they touch – fascinated by westerners, particularly Mr Jim.

Those slightly reticent smiles, stolen touches and glances are a far cry from the South, where some country women pinched me all over, covering me in bruises.

But, alas, it was time to leave Hanoi. Mrs Wen offered me some business cards. I said Derek had already given me plenty.

“You know Mr Derek?” The room price sank. I was given a t-shirt.

by Mark Azavedo    Originally published in Traveller Magazine